October 1, 2017
At 47 years old, I am suppose to have it all together. Well, I don’t. I guess that is why I have not a clue as to why I am bothering with a blog. I’ve had many blogs in the past. Don’t search for them. They’ve all been deleted. In my own world, I consider them practice blogs. Practice, practice, practice for the day I create the perfect blog. Yeah, right. Truthfully, they are just failed attempts at an idea that won’t go away.
A blog. A story. A change.
I keep wondering why I can not shake this idea. I never stick with it. I do not know why I do it. People never read it. Maybe, I have nothing interesting or funny or thought provoking to say. Maybe, I suck at writing blogs. Maybe, I am just a boring nobody. Maybe, my voice is faint among all the internet noise. Maybe, I am tired or scared or alone. Maybe, I am sitting around waiting for someone else to do it so I can then sit back and say, “See! That was my idea!”. Maybe, I have a ton of excuses and no reasons. Maybe, I am too afraid to be completely honest. Ouch.
So, what am I doing here?
This past week, I walked out on my new customer service representative job where I was in training to process insurance claims. Boring. Anxiety attacks ruled my week. In a snot filled, blubbering, red eyed frenzy, I fled the building mumbling to myself, “I can’t do this anymore”. I jumped in my Kia Soul and left the parking lot. Quitting my job in a flurry of tears, snot and ragged breaths.
In the five days, since my less than graceful exit from part time employment, I have applied to multiple jobs and received no response, thus far. I have paced the floor, eaten way too many Klondike ice cream sandwiches and shed many tears in fear and worry. Every night before I climb into bed, I throw this thought out to God, the Universe and any guardian angel who might be listening, “I need an idea. I need to know what to do. Wake me up tomorrow with a idea or a plan.” Upon waking, my thoughts always turn to Bent Blossom, the blog that I set up over a year ago and have never taken the plunge.
Eighteen months ago, I had that blog idea surface again. After many days of tossing about names and ideas, I secured Bent Blossom with the intention of writing and selling my photography, jewelry and make some other stuff. Then, I never came back. I never worked on it, just paid for it and let it sit in cyber space gathering dust.
So, I wake up everyday thinking of Bent Blossom. All day I get little nudges and reminders to write on Bent Blossom. Start working on Bent Blossom. What about Bent Blossom? I usually reply with, “I have work to do” which really equates to Facebook.
Until 5 days ago. Now, I have more time than any one person should spend on Facebook. Yesterday I woke up thinking, “Tomorrow is October 1. Make a commitment to Bent Blossom for 30 days.” And that is why I am here. I have nothing else to do and for over 30 years, I have carried this idea to write, to share, to tell a story. Right now, this is all I have going for me.
I am at fall or fly moment. Only time will tell what my tattered wings can do.